Okay.... In this post there's going to be some content that people who: are easily offended; dislike profanity; are under the age where they have had sex education... well, they probably shouldn't read. So this is all you're getting until after the jump. YOU are responsible for deciding whether or not to read this, but if you do decide you're going to you aren't allowed to gripe. Put on the big girl or big boy panties and deal.
So this past weekend, while my husband and I were out running errands, we were out walking in Redlands on our way to a store. And while we were talking and waiting for the light at the intersection of Citrus and Orange, this late-teens/early-twenties asshole screams out the side window of his ride's little white car "Yeah, move that fat ass!" at me. Not in a chubby-chaser, "I think your jelly rolls are hot" kind of way. In the way that is definitely meant to be insulting and with a pretty nasty leer on his face, like he was superior because he was putting someone else down.
And it hurt. It shouldn't. But it did. I know I'm fat, I do. And you know what, I don't need anyone else telling me (except maybe my best friend, because we're just that close and know we don't mean any harm by it). So, what do I do? I cover up the hurt by calmly quipping to my husband that yes, I may have a big ass... but if that little kid was poking fun at it he must be compensating for a really small penis. BITCH! That was such a bitch thing to do! And it didn't make me feel any better! Why the hell did I do that?! To my hubby's credit, he gave me a little shoulder squeeze and said, "It isn't just small, it's an innie." That wasn't very nice, either, but it at least made me giggle. He always seems to know when I need a laugh.
So, here I am, posting and crying over this stupid jackoff''s comment. Obviously, it hurt more than I wanted to let on. And I'm not proud of myself for being bitchy about it afterward, which makes it all worse. Why couldn't I just have been classy, pretended I hadn't heard it, and gone about my day? Yeah yeah, you can't change the past, but you can still feel bad about it and try to grow from it.
Anyway, it just kind of got me a little depressed. Fortunately I had a really good little dinner-and-cards party with my best friend, her guy, my guy, and our adopted uncle at her place last night, so I'm more able to confront what I'm feeling with the knowledge that I have at least 4 people (not counting my biological family) that are willing to stand behind me no matter how badly I screw up. But I still kinda didn't want to exercise at all... kind of a reverse psychology, "I'll show YOU a fat ass, buddy!"
The answer to that is no. No no no no NO NO! I can't do that! Just because someone I don't even know (and why is it those comments that hurt the most, anyway?) insulted me, it doesn't mean that I should let it derail my goals. Yeah, I do kinda want to look more like the societal norm of "hot". But I know I'm never gonna be Olivia Wilde or even Madonna. I'll settle for Katherine Hepburn-- attractive, healthy, and a NATURAL body shape. I just don't want there to be so much of me. I really don't. I want to look better to me, and I want to be healthy. (Part of which includes losing these monster boobs... They cause SO much neck pain and finding a bra is the pits.)
And you know what? Admitting that I felt like crap after what that guy said and crying about it has made me feel totally better. Thank you, Interwebs! You AREN'T just for porn! Speaking of the Interwebs, I came across this blog today, and she kinda feels the way that I do. It's pretty nice to know there's other people out there that feel similarly to me, it's pretty encouraging after that little snot this weekend. It's February: Is it OK to Quit My Diet Now?
And oh yeah.... This episode is brought to you by the letter D and the number 5. As in Deadmau5, whose 2010 album 4 x 4 = 12 has been inspiring random bouts of anonymous dancing in my house the last few days. Check out the track 2.
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